Guinevere
by lborgia88
Summary: When a teammate fails to return from a mission, Jun learns that love can be a difficult journey... First in a series of three fics.


**Guinevere**

She was running, so fast that the clack of her heels on the hard metal floor sounded like machine gun fire. She had to find him. She kept passing display screens on the walls, all flashing the red Galactor logo, and the words "self destruct engaged." She had to find him!

A voice was counting down.

"Fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven…"

She turned a corner, only to find more monotonous corridor –smooth metallic walls, harsh fluorescent lights at regular intervals across the ceiling, and no doors of any kind.

_Where was he?_

"Thirty-three, thirty-two, thirty-one…"

The voice intoning the countdown–that was his voice. But she couldn't find him, and the damned corridor just _would not_ end! She turned another corner, and again found only more indistinguishable corridor stretching out before her.

"Ten, nine, eight…"

Panic tore through her mind, obliterating everything in its path.

"Three, two, one… zero."

She hurled herself around yet another corner, only to find herself desperately skidding to a halt. It was a dead end.

There was something on the floor in front of her, against the wall. It was a human corpse, charred beyond recognition.

But now it was moving, using its arms to push its torso up from the floor, turning its face upward to look at her… to look at her with eyes of the deepest and clearest blue. Its blistered, blackened lips parted, speaking…

"Jun…"

Terror engulfed her like thick, black smoke, and everything was dark.

She was screaming…

0000000000

Arms were shaking her.

"Jun… Jun!"

She was sweating, pulse racing, gasping, unable to breathe.

"Come on, Jun! Slow, deep breaths… You can do it."

But she was paralyzed, every muscle rigid.

"Look at me, Jun. Look at me!"

The darkness receded. She was in her quarters at the Crescent Base, dimly lit by hallway light flowing through the gap where her door was now ajar. Joe's face loomed before her.

Now she was shaking with tension. She had to fight it; she could not accept that it was true. If she did, she would surely never survive the massive, roaring wave of grief that would flood her mind and dash her to pieces against the hard, jagged reality that Ken was dead.

But she was losing the strength to resist. She was so tired; exhaustion was eating away at her will to fight. The flood was rising, and soon she would be too weak to support the wall she'd built to keep it at bay.

She was sitting up in her bed. Arms stiff at her sides, hands clenched, head bowed, she tried to steady her breathing.

She felt Joe's arms wrap around her, pulling her against him.

"Jun, don't do this to yourself -it wasn't your fault… Don't do this; he would never have wanted you to torture yourself like this…"

He was stroking her hair with one hand, cradling her against his chest. His skin was warm. She could feel his heart beat, feel him breathing.

"Let it all out, Jun. You're stronger than you know. It's what Ken would want-"

Jun pulled back slightly to see his face, and saw the shining paths beneath his eyes. In the last two days she had seen so many tears, from Jinpei, from Ryu, even from Dr. Nambu… but not from Joe.

Not until now.

From deep within, a sob rose up and wrenched itself from her body, and then another, and another…

Ken was dead.

And then she was crying, heaving with grief and loss, tears streaming, clinging to Joe like a drowning swimmer to a life buoy. She was still in his arms when, eventually, her spasms slowed and then stopped as mercifully dreamless sleep claimed her.

Later, as the first light of day, filtered through fathoms of ocean, entered her window, he slipped from her room and returned to his own.

0000000000

They made a memorial for him, beside his father's. Like his father's, there was no body buried beneath it. Unlike his father's, it was unmarked. Galactor had done nothing to indicate they were aware of Gatchaman's death, so it was being kept secret.

It had begun as a perfectly standard infiltration of a perfectly standard secret Galactor base. Their mission had been to retrieve the vials of a highly virulent and contagious virus, long since eradicated from the general population, which Galactor had stolen from an ISO laboratory conducting vaccine research.

Ken, Joe, Jinpei and she had made it inside, undetected, through the ventilation system and had then spread out to search the base individually. Jinpei had found the vials first, alerting them all via their bracelets, in a triumphant whisper. He'd been followed by Ken, telling them all to escape the base quietly, telling Jun to set explosive charges to detonate in one hour –easily twice the time they would need to be back on the God Phoenix when the base was destroyed.

Except that the base, without warning, had self destructed twenty minutes later when everyone was out except Ken. As long as she lived, she would never forget the horror of seeing that giant fireball erupt into the sky.

Only Dr. Nambu and her remaining teammates were here. One at a time, they approached the memorial to lay down their flowers and to say farewell. Jun hung back, wanting to be the last.

The sun was bright, but the wind blowing in off the sea was cold. She approached the smooth, black stone and then stood there alone, staring out over the water.

She had been standing almost at this very place the first time, the only time, that Ken had told her that he loved her. It had been during the aftermath of his father's death, not long after Ken's burning rage for revenge had nearly led to them all drowning at the North Pole.

"There were so many things that I wanted to ask him, Jun, so many things that I wanted to tell him… I never got the chance, and now I never will. I don't ever want that to happen again."

He had taken her hands in his, gazing at her with an intensity that was so new to her, she had trembled.

"I love you, Jun. I have _always_ loved you. I've tried for so long to pretend that there's nothing between us, but now I know that if anything were ever to happen…"

He had closed his eyes for a moment.

"We lead such dangerous lives. I can't bear the idea that if anything ever happened, and I lost my chance to tell you how I feel…"

Her heart had been pounding with joy. She was finally going to have what she had wanted for so long. Deep down, she'd always hoped that if she were loyal and patient enough, then Ken would someday love her in return. Her dream had finally come true, more wonderfully than she'd ever dared to hope. He had loved her all along.

Yes!

He'd looked at her again. Why were his eyes so sad? What could be the matter?

"I love you, but I can't be with you, not the way you want to be loved. I can't do that and be your commanding officer at the same time. Jun, I just know I could never share… everything, my body, my soul, with you and then send you into the kind of danger we face, take calculated risks with your life for the sake of a mission. But I'm Gatchaman, and I _have_ to be able to focus solely and rationally on the mission –that's my duty."

No, she couldn't accept this. There had to be a way around this.

"Are you… asking me to wait, Ken?"

"I can't ask you to do that, Jun. The day we flew our first mission against Galactor, I thought this war would be over in a month. Now, I think it could be years. I have no right to ask you to wait that long."

Sometimes he was so beautiful it almost hurt to look at him. His soft, dark hair had been waving in the wind and his eyes had never looked so intensely blue. And he'd still been looking so sad.

She had laughed. He was so quintessentially _Ken_, too noble and pure to realize that there was _nothing_ he could ask her to do for him that she wouldn't do.

"You can ask me! And yes, I will wait for you, Ken! I will wait for you…"

He had pulled her into his arms then, and kissed her -their first and only kiss.

Jun laid her roses with the other flowers.

"Farewell, my love."

Some part of her wished that she were the one who was dead. She had no idea how she would be able to go on living now. She had made it through the four days following the night she'd cried only by living numbly and robotically. But now, she was allowing herself to contemplate the future, and she had no idea how she would endure the weeks, months and years that lay before her. But she would have to; the world was relying on her to defend it from Galactor. She could _not_ give in to panicking despair or torpid depression. No one believed more strongly in duty and sacrifice than Ken; for him, she would try to somehow keep going.

0000000000

Jun had always hated weight lifting. Running, swimming, stretching, gymnastics, and martial arts were her preferred methods of physical training. Yet here she was, flat on her back, doing bench presses.

"You've got one more in you, Jun. Go for it," said Joe.

Muscles burning, trying very hard not to grunt, she strained to complete one final rep. No, she wasn't going to make it; her arms were wobbling! Joe stepped in and spotted her just enough for her to straighten her arms and then set the bar down on the rack above her head.

"That was your best set yet. You've got two minutes to rest and then you're going to spot me," said Joe, as he began adding enough plates to double the bar's weight.

"Why can't we just use the machines?"

"No, free weights are better. Having to keep the weights balanced and stable makes you use all the little muscle groups too."

At the moment, she was finding it difficult to see that as a benefit. It had been one week since Joe had told her that her speed, agility and precision were top notch –but that she could be stronger.

It had been one week since Dr. Nambu had broached the subject of finding a replacement for Ken.

It had been the day after their small, private memorial ceremony for Ken –bad timing on the Doctor's part, really, but then, there never would have been a good time to bring up something like that.

Dr. Nambu had summoned them all to his office, quite early in the morning. Ryu had brought coffee for everyone and had even procured fresh doughnuts –how, she had no idea. Aside from their memorial service, none of them had left the Crescent Base. Joe had been the last to arrive. As ever, he'd eschewed the couch to lean against the wall, arms crossed.

Ryu had offered Joe a coffee. She'd been certain he was about to refuse it, but then he actually came over, took the coffee and sat on the couch. When Jinpei began resting his head against Joe's arm, he just let him do it.

Then Dr. Nambu began to speak, and made it apparent what the meeting was about: finding a new member for the team.

In the general chorus of dismay that followed, Joe had been silent, but his eyes had blazed. She had fully expected him to storm out of the room, or possibly to throw his coffee at Dr. Nambu and then storm out of the room; but he didn't.

Instead, in a stiffly calm voice, he had spoken for them all, stating that it would be an insult to Ken's memory and to themselves to stick a stranger on the team in Ken's stead, even at the lowest rank, without first giving the four of them a chance to all be Ken's replacement.

Jun had immediately nodded in assent, as had Ryu and Jinpei. They were miserable and stressed enough as it was. Didn't the Doctor realize that forcing an unknown newbie on them now would be the worst thing he could do to them? Nor would it be fair to the new member who would be foisted onto four glowering Science Ninjas, united in their grief, and incapable of even pretending to welcome a stranger in their midst.

The Doctor had then pointed out just how much extra effort and training it would take for the four of them to even attempt to pick up the slack left by Ken's absence. They would have to train to fly the G1, be able to do the firebird with only four people, be able to fill each other's roles, and they would all have to significantly elevate their combat skills.

Joe had insisted that they could do it, and immediately announced that he would give up racing to live and train full time at the Crescent Base.

She'd been startled by that; Joe had never actually put it in words, but she knew how important racing and the privacy of his nomadic trailer life were to him. But if he was prepared to make a sacrifice that big for the good of the team, then so was she. There was, after all, a reason why none of them had left the Crescent Base to return to their homes; in a crisis, they were stronger together and they all knew it. She had thrown her support behind Joe; they all had. Faced with this united resolve, Dr. Nambu had dropped all talk of a new team member, at least for now.

All these thoughts were running through her mind as she stood behind Joe, watching him complete his set of bench presses. She hoped that he wouldn't want much help on his last rep, as her own arms still felt like limp noodles. His arms were the perfect balance of strength and leanness; really, she thought, his whole body was –enough muscle to be powerful but not enough to slow him down. They were all training harder than they ever had before, morning to night, spurred by Joe, who certainly seemed to be taking his new leadership role very seriously. That was some reassurance, but she'd never been very comfortable with his impulsive and highly improvisational approach to strategy. She was fueled by panicked awareness that when future Galactor attacks came, everything would depend on just the four of them, without Ken. But there was no time to dwell on grief and loss; there was barely time to prepare for the next mission.

0000000000

She had never known that it was possible to be too tired to sleep. During the past couple weeks they'd been busy and focused every minute of every day, in the gym, in the flight simulators, or at the weapons range, and each night she'd been asleep almost before her head hit her pillow. Boot camp for Science Ninjas –in some ways she felt as though she'd gone back in time, back to the days when they were all children, living together at Dr. Nambu's house –eating all their meals together, studying together, training together- except Ken was gone.

Ken.

The rigorous schedule, she realized, had been a blessing; it had prevented her from being alone, and had kept her from doing what she was doing right now: lying awake in bed and thinking. Nothing good would come of that, but tonight, despite her body's fatigue, her mind remained suspended like a frozen program that wouldn't shut down.

She walked over to her bathroom, feeling every muscle in her body as she went. She drank a glass of water from the sink and stared at herself in the mirror –another thing she hadn't had much time to do lately.

She'd always been extremely fit, but now she looked better than she ever had before. She pulled off her camisole, turning side to side, watching her reflection flex and pose. Yes, she'd lost some softness, but she'd traded it for sleek power, and a new tautness that gave enhanced definition to all her body's curves.

Yes, she was beautiful, wasn't she? Her reflection lifted its hands to its lips, running them down its neck, to its breasts. Yes, Ken would…

Damn it! Damn it all to hell!

_What_ was she thinking? Ken was dead. He was never going to see her again.

Yanking her camisole back over her head, she went and threw herself back on her bed. But this time, no tears came; tonight, she was seething.

Where did fate get off, cheating her like this? She was seventeen, for God's sake, and she'd only ever been kissed once! Oh, she'd tried, at various times after, to entice Ken; she'd made his eyes smolder, but always he'd held himself in check. But in her dreams, dreams she'd had back when her world had still held magic and possibility, she'd elaborated on that one kiss from Ken, spinning it into a beautiful fantasy of tender, passionate love-making. Well she wasn't going to get that now!

Damn you, Ken! Damn you! The rest of us got out in time –why the hell didn't you? Did you disobey your own orders and go further into the base? Did you think that Gatchaman was a fucking immortal? Or did you simply not give a shit what it would do to me if you died?

Damn you for getting yourself killed, Ken! And damn you for insisting that we wait! Now I've got nothing! Nothing to remember and nothing to look forward to –except getting killed by Galactor too!

The grief she'd been managing to keep suppressed for the past two weeks snapped its chains and rushed to assail her. She could feel it coming. It would pull her down into a dark, bottomless hole…

No! Her eyes darted around her dim, quiet room. She had to get out of here –escape this room, escape the despair. She ran out into the brightly lit hallway. Yes, it was better out here. She paused, trying to breathe calmly. She would go to the small kitchen that was near their quarters. She would make herself warm milk and watch something completely ridiculous on the TV there. She began walking down the hall. There were no mirrors out here, yet she still felt as if she were watching her own reflection. Was she losing her mind?

A faint strip of light shone from underneath the door to Joe's quarters. Someone else was awake too? Maybe she just needed to not be alone with her thoughts. She opened his door.

Joe whipped his head in her direction, and stared. He was sitting up in bed, sheets pulled to his waist, reading a technical manual for the G1.

"I can't sleep, Joe. Can I stay here for a while?"

"Okay," he said, still staring, but he slid himself over to the far side of his bed, making room for her to sit down.

He turned back to his manual, and resumed his reading. She studied him. He wasn't wearing a shirt. She wouldn't have thought it possible, but he'd lost weight too. He was leaner than ever, every sinew and vessel, every muscle of his arms and torso, was starkly defined. But there were shadows beneath his eyes and deeper creases between them.

She thought about the additional burdens now laid upon him, about how draining it must be for him to stay here with them all the time, to be the rallying point, the motivator, and the leader. It wasn't natural for him. He shouldn't have to be here; he should be off somewhere far away, alone, racing his car across a desert in the moonlight.

Damn you, Ken…

As if feeling her gaze sweeping over him, he turned to face her.

"Jun, is there something you want to talk-"

She kissed him.

She was still kissing him, sliding her lips against and over his, savoring their sensual friction. He opened to her, slightly, and she tentatively darted the tip of her tongue into his mouth…

But then he pulled away, keeping his hands against her shoulders. He bowed his head, collecting himself.

He lifted his eyes to hers, searching them.

"Jun, normally, if a girl shows up at one AM in her underwear and starts kissing me, I know why. But this… Under normal circumstances you'd never…"

What? No! She didn't need Joe trying to be responsible –acting like Ken! What she needed right now was his recklessness, and his utter disregard for consequences.

"Normal? There is no _normal_ –not anymore!"

Slowly, she slid her camisole up and away, exposing her ripe, innocent breasts to his brooding gaze.

Oh, yes, he was definitely gazing…

He wrenched his eyes away, hooding them with their lids.

He reached for her hands, pinning his eyes on her face.

No! First Ken, and now Joe too? What was _wrong_ with them? Was she not… desirable?

She faltered, and dropped her eyes, feeling the sting of imminent tears.

What was he thinking? She couldn't tell; his eyes were flint beneath smoke, his face impassive. But now she could see that he was breathing too quickly. Yes, his body was betraying him –he wasn't indifferent to her!

"_Please_…"

It was just one word, yet a desperate anxiety to hurl herself at life and seize everything she could, while she still could, resonated in that one word.

It was enough; the tide turned, surging him back into her arms as he found her lips with his own, as he guided her down onto her back, without once denying her the heat of their kiss. Now it was his tongue dipping lightly into her mouth, as she accepted his surrender.

But now his teasing lips and tongue were roving her neck, her throat. His hands stroked slow, winding paths up her body, to lay claim to her breasts, massaging them as he tasted first one nipple, then the other, suckling gently.

Jun writhed beneath him, moaning softly as she twined her fingers through his hair, overwhelmed by sensations so new to her body. Nothing, neither girlish daydreams nor racy novels, could ever have taught her the mystery between pleasure and hunger; that the more you received, the greater were your cravings.

But Joe seemed to know exactly what he was doing, to know her body better than she did herself.

With his mouth still at her breast, he slid his hand down below her waist, slipping her panties down, running his fingers over the tender skin of her inner thighs, over the taut surface of her belly, over her delta of soft black hair.

It was torment and delight. A deep hunger was building within her as his fingers went everywhere except the one place where she longed most for their touch. Leaving her breast, he slid further down his bed, slipping her panties over her knees and off.

Now he was kissing her thighs and belly, with a gentle suction that made her groan as delicious shudders radiated through her body. It was too much, and not enough.

"Joe…"

At last, he slipped two fingers between the wet, delicate folds that concealed her most intimate entrance, probing tentatively as her voice shaped wordless cries of relief and yearning. But he withdrew his fingers, wrenching a desperate plea of protest from her throat.

"_Don't stop_…"

Lifting and spreading her thighs more fully, he moved between them, lowered his head and parted her folds with his tongue, gliding up to flick soft, rapid strokes across the swollen nub at their apex.

Now she was gasping, thighs tensed, hands clenching and unclenching, as Joe created a searing, glorious pressure at her core beyond anything she'd known, but it wouldn't disperse; it was building, and building, her cries coming faster, and faster…

She convulsed, as euphoria pulsated through her body in wave after wave, as Joe prowled up her body, fusing their lips in a relentless kiss. Her body reveled in satiety, even as her need intensified.

She could feel it, pressing against her belly, his male hardness, and her voyage of discovery's final destination. As she sought with her hands, he broke their kiss, lifting himself, remaining poised over her as she began her explorations.

Hard with blood yet sheathed in the softest skin, a tool engorged by desire –desire for her, this was all for her. Gripping him, she stroked up and down, looking to his face as his body quivered. Oh yes, he liked that. Eyes closed, mouth open, he was breathing in shallow bursts.

She lifted her thighs, circling him with her legs, pressing at his buttocks with her heels. At that moment, all she wanted in the world was to feel him penetrate her body; she wanted _everything_ she'd been denied. But he was looking at her now, searchingly. What was he waiting for?

She clutched him with her arms, to pull him down. And he came down, and entered her with a slow, deep thrust.

Wasn't it supposed to hurt, the first time? All she could feel was the pleasure Joe was giving her every time he pushed inside her, against her, and every time he pulled back, over and over. She was gripping his shoulders, kneading the muscles there, gripping him rhythmically with her thighs. That ravenous feeling was building again, in a whole new way; she was going to have it again. She was moaning. Joe's breath came in gasps, above her face. It was coming, _she_ was coming, she was screaming…

Joe's mouth closed over hers, as she felt the rush of bliss, the release that poured through every conduit of her body. Joe was thrusting faster and harder, until he released her mouth to cry out with his own, as his body shuddered with his own respite of pleasure. Finally, he slowed, and brought himself to rest atop her, blending her ragged breathing with his own, burying his face in her neck and hair. Eventually, he slid over and onto his side, still keeping his body against hers, his face in her hair.

Jun's mind was awhirl, even as her breathing slowed and her body relaxed into Joe's. She hadn't known it would feel _that_ good. Yet even as she lay there her thoughts, against her will, drifted back to her virgin fantasy of champagne and roses, a fireplace, an enormous four-poster bed with satin sheets, love poems whispered in her ear, fragile white lingerie to be removed piece by piece… and Ken.

Ken.

Well, here was reality –the stark, institutional quarters of the Crescent Base. And Joe, who'd played her body like a maestro... But her innocence was gone. Ken was gone. Ken, her love and her dream, was really gone. Wonder and grief struggled for her thoughts as tears ran down the sides of her face. Nothing made sense anymore.

He touched her wet cheek.

"I'm sorry, Joe," she whispered, "It's not you –you were amazing- it's just…"

"It's okay. I get it."

"Do you? 'Cause I don't."

"You were angry. That's why you came here. But it's not unusual to feel-"

"And you? You didn't stop me…"

She felt a long exhale of breath against her ear.

"There's probably nothing you could ask me to do, Jun, that I could refuse."

Who knew that Joe was so… nice? Maybe she didn't know what she was doing anymore, but lying in the arms of another warm body was… something.

0000000000

"BEEP, BEEP, BEEP…"

Ugh, what the hell was that annoying sound? Of course, it was her bracelet. But why was it so loud?

"G2 here."

"Roger."

She crawled out of her stupor enough to realize that she was in Joe's bed. That had been a fairly regular occurrence during the past month, but waking up there had not been. What she'd heard was the sound of two bracelets, instead of one. The clock on the nightstand read five AM; that meant they'd both fallen asleep hours ago, then.

"G3 here."

"Jun, report to my office immediately." It was Dr. Nambu.

"Roger."

Joe was already out of his bed, moving around. She sat up, looking for her civvies. They had to be here; she always wore them now, in case she encountered anyone while sneaking into or out of Joe's quarters. There they were, on the floor. She began dressing.

"Jun, I can't find my pants."

"They're wherever you put them last night."

"No, they're wherever you threw them. You were the one in such a hurry to get them off me."

"And you were the one who wanted to spend half an hour just kissing. A girl gets impatient."

"Worth the wait, though, was I not?"

Was he actually _grinning_? Joe?

"Yeah… Um, look behind the bookcase."

She realized that she was grinning too, until she remembered why she was dressing, remembered that they were supposed to be rushing to Dr. Nambu's office.

Galactor -it could only mean that Galactor was on the move again. They'd had six weeks to train as a team of four without being called to any missions –a situation too good to last. Every mission that she had ever undertaken could have resulted in her death, in all their deaths; rationally, she'd always known that. But before, she'd always had Ken, and she'd trusted that his logical, meticulous mind would calculate the risks, focus on both the details and the big picture, and somehow keep them safe. The responsibility, the duty, the _burden_ of leadership –he'd carried it all; in the midst of the most dangerous situations, just seeing his face, catching a flash from his warm blue eyes, had made her feel as if they were invincible. That was all gone, everything was gone. Now, a feeling of cold nausea washed over her; she could feel despair surrounding her, closing in on her…

No! Even if she no longer knew what the hell she was doing with her life, she knew that she _had_ to keep herself moving.

Joe had his pants on. She moved for the door, only to be pulled into his arms. Now he was resting his cheek against hers.

"Don't be silly, Joe, we have to go!"

He let her go.

"Right. Silly."

0000000000

"What the hell is that thing supposed to be?" demanded Joe, "A goddamned mummified egg?"

Whatever it was, it was easily three times the size of any mecha they'd seen before, and it was following a course that would take it over a coastal city that was home to four million people and the largest nuclear reactor in this part of the world, in twenty minutes. It was also, to Joe's fury, too heavily armored to be pierced by super bird missiles.

"Why isn't it shooting back at us?" asked Jinpei, "Not that I want it to…"

"It must have been designed solely to transport… something," said Jun, "That would explain its size."

"Whatever it's got in there," said Ryu, "You can be sure it'll be bad news for the city."

But now a small hole had appeared at the front of the mecha, and it expanded until it was twenty feet wide.

"Quick, Ryu!" said Joe, "Line us up. I'm going to shoot a missile into-"

Suddenly, small jets, at least a few dozen, began flying out of the hole in the mecha, and swarming around the God Phoenix. They were all painted in yellow and black stripes.

"The mecha's a nest," said Jinpei, "And those are hornets!"

Ryu began looping, diving, and swerving, trying to evade the hornets. But the hornets were too quick and maneuverable to be shaken off that way, or to be hit easily with missiles, and each time one got close enough to the God Phoenix, it sprayed a sticky liquid substance at its exterior. Within seconds, strange fumes became detectable inside the God Phoenix.

"It's got some kind of acid in it," said Jun, "And it's going to eat holes in the God Phoenix!"

"They've sprayed the external viewers" said Ryu, "I can barely see anything on the screen!"

"Enough of this shit!" said Joe, "I'm going out there in the G1 to draw them off and start blasting them with the laser cannon. As soon as you can, Jun, infiltrate the mecha through that hole, and try to bring it down, any way you can. Ryu, go with her and back her up. Then, Jinpei, you take the God Phoenix down fast, plunge into the ocean and then come back up."

Everyone just stared. Joe in the G1? Jinpei flying the God Phoenix? Jun infiltrating a mecha with only Ryu? It was insanity!

"Just do it, people!" snapped Joe, and he was gone.

Jun closed her eyes, feeling her insides twist into knots.

"Onechan…"

She opened her eyes and looked at Jinpei. He was miserable and terrified.

"I wish Aniki were here…" he whispered.

She struggled to steady herself, tried her damnedest to radiate confidence.

"All those hours you've been logging on the simulator…You can do this, Jinpei, I know it. Just stay calm and think clearly."

"I'll get us in position near the hole, kid," said Ryu, "Then you just have to hold the position until Jun and I are inside." Ryu's eyes met hers and she could tell that he wasn't feeling any better than Jinpei; he was just masking his fear, the same as she was.

"Let's do it, Ryu."

0000000000

She entered his quarters, quietly elbowing the door closed behind her.

"I had a feeling you'd show up tonight, Jun."

"A private celebration is in order, don't you think? Look, I even brought drinks."

She was digging in a bag that she'd been holding with one arm.

"Where on earth did you find a bottle of vodka?"

"Um, I got it from the maintenance engineers. While Dr. Nambu was debriefing you, I got called down there to explain what happened to the exterior of the God Phoenix and the G1."

"Lucky you."

"No, it wasn't so bad. They say they'll have it all repaired in a couple days. They were really nice about it."

Joe was just shaking his head.

"You're not going to drink that straight, are you? That'll be harsh."

"No, I found a mixer. See."

"Orangina? You have got to be kidding!"

"It was the best I could do! Stop laughing!"

"If I don't laugh, I think I might cry. Oh man…"

But she was laughing too. He was right; it was either laugh or cry. By all rights, their mission should have been a disaster, but somehow, they'd pulled it off. Joe, with his dead-on targeting ability, had been able to shoot down or drive off the most of the hornet jets, and Jinpei had successfully taken the God Phoenix into a dive to the ocean, which had removed enough of the corrosive substance from its exterior to prevent major breaches and to recover some visual capability. Meanwhile, she had been able to put a leak in the mecha's main fuel line and, backed by Ryu, fight her way out in time for them to soar to the God Phoenix, before the mecha lost power and crashed into the ocean two miles short of the coast.

"Can you manage without ice?"

"Guess I'll have to."

They each downed their drink in a few gulps, and then found themselves staring at each other.

"Come here," Jun whispered, gesturing with her arms.

He embraced her, pressing his face to hers.

"Go easy on my ribs, on the left side. And there's some bruises… well, you'll see."

"What happened?"

"I was fighting about twenty goons, and a few managed to land some blows."

"Where the hell was Ryu?"

"He was behind me, fighting even more goons, probably."

He closed his eyes. He was shaking his head again. But then he was kissing her, undressing her, moving his lips and hands so gently over her face and body, slowly but surely making every nerve ending sing. Then he joined his body to hers, moving against her with a tender restraint, raining soft kisses on her face, until she was lost to everything except intimacy and soothing pleasure.

Later, rousing from the drowsy afterglow, she found herself watching Joe's sleeping face, feeling something stir inside her. Maybe something, finally, was making some sense. He never said much to anyone, she could hardly ever tell what he was thinking, and her heart didn't skip a beat whenever he looked at her, but he made her feel… happier. Was it love? It wasn't the love she felt for Ken, but it was something… real, something alive. It was something that might grow and thrive in the chaos that defined their lives now.

Ken…he was the love you only find once in your life. She would never be able to think of Ken without feeling an aching void of loss. But now she could face the future without the sickening dread she'd felt before. They'd proven they could still defeat Galactor as a team of four. But…

Joe opened his eyes then, catching her staring at him.

"What?"

She was silent for a moment.

"Joe, are you going to be okay with this? I mean, with us being… like we are, and then going on missions against Galactor too?"

Inscrutable grey eyes swept her face.

"You're thinking about Ken."

"No! I-"

"It's _okay_, Jun… I miss him too."

He closed his eyes. It dawned on her why he understood grieving so well; he'd gone through it all before, when Galactor killed his parents. And Ken, he'd loved like a brother…

"He was the better man; I'd switch our places if I could…"

"Don't say that."

"But it's true. I used to rag on him all the time about you –yes, I knew- telling him he was being an idiot. But he wasn't an idiot; he was… Ken. He always had to be so damned responsible for everyone and everything around him. He ran missions like a chess player, with his intellect and discipline, with his ability to consider half a dozen different options and visualize how each one would play out three, four or five moves ahead. But for me… it's like racing. Out on the track, in the heat of a race, control is just an illusion; the reality is chaos. All you can do is act fast, on your gut instincts. Today, I just trusted my instinct that you'd bring that mecha down… somehow, and that I'd have the best chance shooting those jets. What else could I do? But… for God's sake, Jun, if you ever think I'm about to do something… stupid, you speak up –punch me in the face, if that's what it takes. I'm not going to be able to do this without you."

For once, she was able to read him. He had laid himself bare and she could see the fear and vulnerability in his face… and the love. All she could do was kiss him, and keep kissing him.

0000000000

She was in a maintenance bay, covered in grease and working on her bike, when her bracelet beeped and Dr. Nambu summoned her to his office.

"It's not Galactor, Jun. But… get here soon!"

There was no way she was going anywhere while she was this filthy, but she washed up as quickly as she could. She arrived at Dr. Nambu's office, and opened the door.

There was a cluster in the middle of the room –Dr. Nambu, Ryu, Jinpei, and a strange man, with his back to her…

He turned around. He had deep blue eyes, radiating joy; he was rushing towards her…

He was Ken; thinner, paler and hair cut short, but he was Ken!

"Jun! Jun, Jun, Jun…"

He was hugging her, lifting her off her feet, spinning her around…

She felt delirious…

Dimly, as if from far away, she could hear Jinpei.

"Onechan, Aniki escaped from that base after all! He was tracking Katse, and he saw Katse starting up an escape jet and he was able to hide in its rear storage! It was Katse who blew up the base, hoping to take us all out!"

Ken had set her down again. He was still holding her, smiling.

He was still so beautiful. She could still lose herself in those deep, blue eyes…

Jinpei was dancing around the office.

"The jet left the base through an underground tunnel, and later, flying, something went wrong with it and Katse ejected, and Aniki was still inside when it crashed. Some mountain villagers found him near the wreckage, a couple hundred miles from the base, and took him to a hospital. He had amnesia, Onechan! He couldn't remember who he was! And he had broken bones and stuff…"

She was barely registering what Jinpei was saying. All she knew was that Ken was warm and alive, and here. She felt as if she were floating…

"Joe! Aniki's alive! He's alive!"

Ken let her go, smiled at her, and then moved behind her.

Joe.

She turned around. They had their arms on each others shoulders, and then they were hugging each other. Raw emotion flooded Joe's face; so rare and beautiful to see joy in his face, but there was something else…

He and Ken had released each other; Ken was turning back to her now, moving towards her.

But Joe was staring straight at her with his heart in his eyes, and she couldn't look away.

Ken was at her side. She pulled her gaze from Joe to look at Ken.

But Ken wasn't looking at her now; he was looking at Joe. Joe closed his eyes, but it was too late. Ken whipped his face to stare at hers. She couldn't move.

He knew…

In only a few seconds, and with no words, the damage was done.

She stood frozen in place, her mind reeling with tragic awareness. She loved them; she was in love with both of them.

_Oh dear God, What have I done? What have I done to us all?_

0000000000

It should have been the happiest day of her life; Ken had returned from the dead. And she was happy –heart-wrenchingly happy.

She was frantically unhappy, too.

Here, in the midst of a joyous reunion, it was as if she could see poisonous tendrils winding their way about Dr. Nambu's office, ensnaring her, Joe and Ken.

Somehow, neither Jinpei, Ryu nor Dr. Nambu seemed the slightest bit aware that anything was amiss. Jinpei and Ryu were making jokes and bombarding Ken with questions, and Dr. Nambu, looking ten years younger, was leaning back in his chair and smiling more broadly than she'd ever seen before.

But Joe wouldn't look at her, and he was standing as far away from her as he could without making it obvious. Ken was smiling, laughing at the jokes, answering the questions, but she could see in his eyes that he was inwardly preoccupied with his own thoughts.

Thank God, Dr. Nambu announced that he needed to take Ken to the medical ward for a complete physical evaluation. She had to get out of here; she wanted, desperately, to be alone.

This was all her fault. This was how friendships ended, how teams fell apart, and she was to blame. She needed to figure out how she could make everything right again…

Dr. Nambu and Ken left. Joe walked away, to the undersea window, and stood with his back to the room.

"Does this mean we can go back to Utoland?" asked Jinpei, "Does this mean I'm going to have time to read comics and play video games again?"

"What it means, kid," said Ryu, "is that you won't be flying the God Phoenix again any time soon!"

"Yes," said Joe, "everything will return to normal now."

It was all she could do to walk, rather than run, from the Doctor's office.

0000000000

She was in her quarters, lying on her bed. It was late at night; she'd been there for hours, plumbing the depths of her heart and mind, grappling with the enigma that was love. Slowly, agonizingly, she'd pulled the truth to the surface, but she quailed before it.

Someone knocked on her door. She was still reeling from the implications of her new awareness. She wasn't ready; she didn't want to move.

"Jun, can I talk to you?" It was Ken.

She knew she couldn't hide in her quarters forever, but she had no idea yet what she could say that would…

She got up and opened her door. Ken came in, but they found themselves standing a few feet apart, just staring at each other. Finally, he spoke.

"The Doctor says my injuries are healed enough that he's cleared me for active duty."

"That's good." Her heart was pounding. Ken was still staring at her. _What_ could she say…

"I had a dream about you, Jun, when I was at that hospital. I didn't know who you were, but you were outside, somewhere, and your hair was blowing in the wind-"

She flinched, and he saw it.

"What happened while I was gone, Jun?"

He was searching her face. "The way you looked at Joe, earlier…"

She'd known this was coming; why was it so hard to find words, to shape some kind of answer? But this long silence was even worse.

"I didn't wait." Only three words, but he knew what she meant.

"So you're saying… that you and Joe…"

She nodded, as he turned away. He walked over to a chair, and leaned his hands on its back.

"When? How long had I been gone?" His voice was quiet, and hollow.

"Maybe three weeks-"

He turned on her.

"Three weeks… That's all it took for you to move on?"

Shame was waiting, ready to smother her, but she wouldn't go down that easily.

"You don't understand-"

"My mother _waited until she died_ for my Dad to return, and you couldn't even manage one month?"

Something flared within her –something she hardly recognized.

Anger.

"I'm not your mother! I'm not some _saint_. And you don't understand what it was like for me! I thought you were _dead_, and never coming back. I was going out of my mind!"

"So Joe saw his chance, then?"

"No! It wasn't Joe, it was _me_. I went to him!"

"He had to have known you weren't thinking clearly! He should have stopped-"

"Maybe, but he's not like you!"

"Yeah, I guess I always knew that he was easy. But you-"

"I was desolate! He gave me _love_, Ken! It's all that's been keeping me going!"

He looked stricken, as if she'd pulled out a knife and stabbed him. So beautiful, and so sad…. Her anger went out like a fire doused with water.

"_I love you_, Jun."

She was crying now. "_I know you do_. I love you too. But love is… complicated."

"No, it's simple! You can't be in love with two people at the same time."

She closed her eyes, shaking her head silently.

"No, I love you, Ken, I truly do… But, you keep me at a distance. You asked me to wait for some future time, and I really thought I could do that, but now I know that I can't wait for the war to end; I need…"

"What, you need sex? Is that it?"

She couldn't answer him immediately; she had to turn away, had to think. She'd only just grasped it herself –how could she explain it?

"It's not just sex; it's being with someone who can share… everything, even in the midst of war, even though we could die tomorrow –_because_ we could die tomorrow! It's someone who can just let it happen, in spite of the mess our lives are."

He didn't say anything.

"I need someone who can be with me, _really with me_, now –not later. I turned to Joe because I couldn't be alone anymore, and he didn't turn me away."

She tried to wipe her tears with her hand, and made herself face Ken again. She couldn't hide from what she'd done, but the way he was looking at her; it would have hurt less if he'd hit her.

"Do you have _any idea_ what kind of stress I live with, _every day_? I'm the leader; if I don't do everything right, people die, and it's my fault! Don't you get the responsibility I have? I'm sorry, if trying to _save the world_ means there isn't enough of me left to keep you happy! Two days ago, when I first remembered who I really am, and the duty that I have to fulfill… I almost felt sick!"

It was hopeless. She was a monster, a selfish monster, and she couldn't stop crying.

"I'm sorry I'm hurting you, Ken. I know it isn't fair, but nothing about our lives is fair. I'm sorry…"

But Ken's face was like stone.

"As your commanding officer, I could order the two of you not to fraternize."

Was this really what it had come to, between her and Ken? No; she knew him. He could be hurt, and angry, but he could never be petty.

And she wasn't a monster, not really. She was just… human; so was Ken. If only she could _just stop crying_.

"You wouldn't do that to me…"

He closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he looked only sad and defeated… and now there were tears in his eyes.

"You're right. But this is… _hard_."

"I'm sorry, Ken-"

"Stop saying you're sorry." He closed his eyes again. "I can't ask you to not be… true to what you feel."

She was crying again, but now she was also hugging Ken. He put his arms around her too, and they stayed that way a long time.

0000000000

Ken was gone. She turned off the light and sat in the dark, remembering the day she'd promised Ken she'd wait. What had happened to that laughing girl, the girl who had thought love was so simple, so perfect? It hurt to think about her. She was, she realized, so much wiser now, but also so much sadder. No, love was far from easy, nor was it at all pretty. Love was born from the pain and emptiness of the world, from fear and hunger. And there was no such thing as "one true love" -it was just a matter of learning, by trial and error, which person that you loved could best give you what you needed, and most needed what you had to give.

She needed to see Joe.

0000000000

He wasn't in his quarters. She found herself, at three AM, wandering the Crescent Base, hoping he hadn't somehow obtained transport back to Utoland. She checked the God Phoenix and, to her relief, the G2 was still housed in its nose. He would never have left without his car. He was still here somewhere. She kept searching.

The lights were off in the gymnasium, but she went in anyway. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could make out someone moving in the distance, so she walked closer.

It was Joe.

With precise, graceful movements and turns combined with lightning fast blocks, punches and kicks, he was beautiful to watch, especially wearing only loose, drawstring pants.

She waited until he'd reached the end and was standing still.

"You haven't forgotten the suparinpei? I can still remember the day you told Sensai that katas were boring."

He turned, abruptly, in her direction. She'd actually startled him.

He didn't say anything.

She began walking closer. In the near darkness, she couldn't make out his face.

"Why are you here, Jun?"

"Isn't it obvious? I've been trying to find you."

"Look, you might have a little speech all worked out, but you don't have to tell me anything, okay? I understand-"

"No, this time, I don't think you do."

"I'm not an idiot, Jun. Ken is back and, believe me, I am damned, _damned_ glad that he's back, but obviously this changes things-"

"It changes things for Ken, but not for you."

There was a long silence.

"What do you mean?" He was almost whispering.

How to say it? What words to use? No, she'd already explained her heart once tonight; this, she could keep simple.

"I love you."

She kissed him, and kept kissing him.

0000000000

The crash mat behind the vault was hardly an ideal location, but it surely wasn't the worst one ever used for such a purpose. Afterwards they lay there for a long time, still not speaking, just holding each other.

Eventually, Joe asked her about Ken.

"I talked to him. He's not happy, but he… understands."

She could feel his shoulders tensing.

"This is rough, Jun. I mean, stealing his best friend's girl is just about the lowest thing a guy can do, and Ken is more than just my friend…"

He sighed. "I'm happy _and_ I feel like a piece of shit."

"You feel guilty? How do you think I feel? I love him too, Joe. That hasn't changed –I just… understand it differently now. But it doesn't make it easy."

"Nothing's easy, then. Just an hour ago, as much as it was going to hurt to do it, I was ready to give you up. I _always_ thought you'd be with Ken. This is still… hard to believe."

"This is _real_, Joe."

"I know you can't really promise it, but… _don't die on me, Jun, okay_? When the day comes that I take my revenge on Galactor, I want you with me."

"I'll fight to the very end. That, I can promise."

Joe's response was to hold her even closer, and to kiss her. After a moment, he whispered in her ear.

"I love you, Jun."

For the first time, he'd actually spoken the words. She felt a flood of warmth within, but before she could say anything, he was kissing her again.

"We should continue to be discreet, though," said Jun, later. "I think it will be easier for Ken if no one else knows about us."

"I know about us. That's all that matters to me."

At that moment, lying in his arms, she felt as if she could believe again that her world held magic and possibility.

0000000000

She was too tired to sleep. Since the war had ended, three months ago, she'd thrown herself headlong into the only thing she had now that could fill her empty days –running the Snack J. It was newly renovated, had an expanded menu, employees that were not Jinpei, a weekly schedule of live music and dancing, and was open daily from early morning to late at night.

Most of the time she could stay busy all day and then sleep at night, but tonight, whatever she'd been using to keep herself running smoothly, it had failed. She'd closed up nearly half an hour ago, and turned off the lights. In terms of food and drink sales, it had probably been the Snack J's best Friday night ever. It was after two in the morning; she should have been going upstairs, washing up, getting into her bed, preparing for the same thing all over again tomorrow, but she couldn't seem to make herself actually do it. Instead, she sat in one of the booths, as if frozen, and stared out the window.

Joe.

Tonight she couldn't stop herself from thinking about Joe, letting the memories and images flow through her mind.

All those late night trysts in his quarters at the Crescent Base, all those times she'd invented errands and left Jinpei to run the Snack J so that she could spend afternoons at his trailer, all the nights she had lain in her bed talking to him on her bracelet, quietly so that Jinpei wouldn't hear her through the bedroom wall…

The Crescent Base was a hunk of wreckage in the ocean's depths, his trailer was mothballed in a hangar at Ken's airfield, and his bracelet was lost forever.

She remembered those horrible, final weeks, when she had known that something was wrong but he wouldn't tell her anything, seeing him collapse, pale and bloody, onto the grass at Karakoram, after killing the goon that had been about to shoot her…

She was shaking, and her eyes burned, but no tears came.

Damn you, Joe. Why did you do it? Why didn't you tell me?

_Where are you_?

No memorial service had been held, no monument erected. Every time the matter had been broached, she had become nearly hysterical. They had never found his body. He could still be alive. He could be out there, somewhere. Dr. Nambu had unleashed the full resources of the ISO and UN, searching from mountain villages to every hospital within a thousand mile radius, and dispersing a detailed description, globally, of the John Doe they sought so desperately –but all to no avail.

It had been Ken who had finally squelched all talk of memorials and monuments, declaring that he, as Gatchaman, would be the one to decide if and when such actions would be appropriate, but she knew that he was really waiting on her. She was the only one still clinging to any vestige of hope, and he was the only one who knew why.

It had been three months. How much longer was she going to be able to keep functioning in the frantic, numb limbo that was her life now? How much longer was she going to be able to keep up the walls holding all her grief at bay?

_He's dead. He's really dead. He's not coming back_…

Her body clenched, as if she'd been kicked in the stomach. She could hardly breathe. Tears were leaking from her eyes as she huddled in the booth, remembering…

"_Don't die on me, Jun, okay_?"

She hadn't; she was still here, and now she was so terribly alone.

"_You get along well with Ken now…Find yourself the same happiness that other girls have_."

His last words to her…

Somehow, she made her legs move, made herself walk to the phone.

"Ken, are you still up?"

"Jun? ...Yeah, I'm still awake."

"I can't sleep. Could you just… talk with me for a bit?"

"For as long as you need –anything for you, Jun."

Having a friend who _understood_ –that was… something.


End file.
